944

All Revved Up on Coffee and M&M’s

 

 

How can anyone not dig Joan Rivers? First off, she’s got more guts than just about anybody in show biz. And if you don’t believe me, just check the lengthy list of show biz folk she’s bitch-slapped down to size over the years. But she doesn’t simply smack around the well-deserved; she puts everyone out quickly and keenly. In fact, she’s got perhaps the fastest wit in all of Hollywood.

That’s not to say that Joan Rivers is a bully, mind you; it’s just that she’s, well, just. And woe be to those in need of just desserts. Why? ‘Cause Joan’s not only willing to serve ‘em a heaping helping; she’ll top it off with some wicked whip cream and a meaty maraschino cherry and spoil their appetite for the rest of their unnatural lives.

Joan Rivers is also absolutely, positively non-stop. Hell, she probably did more in the last hour than you did throughout the whole of last week. And it’s a cinch she looked damn good doing it too. You can bet she didn’t even break a sweat either. That’s how utterly cool she is.

The very best thing about Joan Rivers though is that no matter where she is or what she’s doing, she is always 100% Joan Rivers – that stylishly reeling, effortlessly rollicking, rapid-fire funny-woman-of-the-world. And only a complete fool would want it any other way.

944 caught up with the tough-talking Hollywood legend right before she headed back out on the road. Here’s what she had to say:

John Hood: Hi, Ms. Rivers.

Joan Rivers: Yes, how are you? What's up and when am I performing?

Oh, you're talking to John Hood in Miami. You're going to be down here at the Arsht on the 11th.

On the 11th. Great! That's so nice.

I guess you just got back from Canada. That must have been fun, no?

Everything is fun.

I bet. Okay. Celebrity Apprentice, Comedy Central Roast, How'd You Get So Rich?, Can We Talk?, the skincare, the jewelry, all the QVC stuff. You don’t stop, ever. What's your secret? (laughing)

M&M's and coffee.

M&M's and coffee? How long has that been your regimen?

I think as long as I can remember. M&M's and coffee. It keeps me going.

Plain or peanut M&M's?

Ick. Plain.

OK, you’ve got to get the classics. Do you ever take a day off at all?

Well, I love what I do very, very, very, very, very much. So a day off to me is not, “Oh gee. I'm lucky I have a day off.” You're always thinking, you're always figuring out, you're always wanting to do something else. So, I don't know what a day off really is, but I don't look for them.

You have an extended engagement at the Beachman in New York through the holidays too, right?

No, no, no. What that is, is I go into the Laurie Beachman Theater every Wednesday night when I'm in New York City. I break in material I have. Whatever is annoying me at the moment, I talk about. Out of that comes all the new material, and then it goes into the concert.

Oh, I see. It's like more of a workshop kind of thing that you do every week.

Exactly right. It's a little tiny club. It holds less than a hundred.

Is that affiliated with the West Bank?

It is the West Bank. I get them confused. They call it the West Bank. They call it the Laurie Beachman Theater. But it's the little theater underneath the West Bank Cafe.

That sounds dynamite. I'd love to catch that one time… I love that you and the ghost of J. P. Morgan's niece, Mrs. Spencer, former resident of your New York apartment, have become close.

Very close.

How is she anyway?

She told me don't invest with Bernie Madoff.

She warned you?

Not really. She would've warned me if she knew. It was an amazing thing. It got a lot of coverage. It happened eighteen years ago. But she is very much around and I like her very much.

Is she upset that you placed the apartment on the market?

She probably will be when the new people, if the new people move in. If somebody buys it.

Where is this apartment anyway? May I ask?

I have no intention of telling you so you can put it in the magazine.

Okay, it's in Manhattan, we’ll leave it at that.

It's in Manhattan.

Perfect. I notice that you're a member of PETA, but you're also a registered Republican. That must make for some very interesting dinner party conversation, no?

I'm a true Republican but I truly vote my heart. You know what I'm saying? I've never been invited to the White House, by either side since the Reagans.

You were close with Nancy weren't you?

I still am. I adore her. I am a Republican. Obviously not enough for the Bushes. I [also] vote Democratic on many issues. Not enough for the Clintons. You vote what you believe. Not of this stupid party line.

Are you active at all with PETA?

Yes and no. All my girls are adopted. I have only adopted dogs, rescued dogs. I’m totally for every law to protect animals. Totally, totally, totally. But, if you can find a dead mink on a highway, yes I want a fur collar.

How many dogs do you have now?

Now I have three dogs and they're all rescued. Or was it two dogs that I rescued.

And they're all Yorkies?

No. When you get a rescue you're never quite sure what you get.

Oh, I see.

That's what makes it great because my girls and I will sit together and watch the dogs on television and we try to figure out what they are.

They’re hybrids.

“Oh you look like you could be a Pekingese. Oh you know I'll bet you're a Half-ingese.” (laughing)

That's funny. Did you hear, I guess it was a few weeks or maybe a month now, that Barbara Streisand playing the Village Vanguard?

That was such a brilliant publicity stunt. I thought that was genius. The Vanguard holds so few people. Between all the record executives and six lucky fans that won free tickets, it was an amazing. I bet it was an amazing evening for her.

She certainly got publicity out of that one for 100 people showing up. Didn't you and Carol Burnett, you basically came of age together, right? I think you're actually born in the same year. Are you two friends?

Not at all, and I like her. But no.

That's strange. I would think that you would be.

No it isn't. L.A.'s a big town. I like Carol and when we see each other we like each other. We just never became friendly.

Were you ever on her show?

Oh yes. I was on her show several times and I interviewed her several times. We like each other and we have many friends in common. I'm very good friends with Kathy Griffin, and Cher I guess is a friend. And all the rest are writers.

So you have a mutual respect thing. Anybody on your shit list these days?

Mel Gibson.

What did he do?

What did he do?

This time.

As a Jew? He died. That’s what he did. He says the Holocaust didn't happen. My entire family was wiped out by the Holocaust. I think it should happen to his family and then I can say that it didn't happen back.

Jeez, I didn't hear that one.

He's got eight kids now. Let's do a Holocaust on his house, then I can say that never happened and that's publicity.

That's a little weird for him to be coming out like that.

He's a piece of garbage.

You still read the newspaper every day looking for material?

I read the newspaper every day.

What's your paper, The Times?

The Wall Street Journal, believe it or not. I like it better. It's more truthful than the Times.

Do you read it online or do you read it in print?

We just talked about that this afternoon. I like a newspaper. I like a book. I know I have my Kindle. I know I have my computer. I like to touch a newspaper, I like to feel and I like to find things. I like the save sections. I'm from that generation.

Right. Me too. There's nothing like a cup of coffee and holding a newspaper. You must check the websites too. Do you check TMZ or any of those sites?

I check them when I can. I don't have a Facebook page because I haven't got time and I think it's stupid. I don't like Tweeting even though I Tweet. “Oh now I'm going to the bathroom”. Who cares?

Right. It's better to just go to the bathroom.

So I find a lot of it is too intrusive and too invasive.

It seems like that the big thing this week is all the stalkers. Ryan Seacrest has one. I think he is being arraigned right this minute. Miley Cyrus's stalker just got out of jail, though apparently he is still receiving secret messages from her. Have you ever had a stalker?

We all have stalkers. That comes with the territory. Because of that you live a very, not confined life, but you live a careful life. It's part of the territory.

It must be unnerving though.

No, unnerving is not having money in the bank. Unnerving is not being able to afford an operation for your father. If you can live behind a nice gate, a nice electric gate, it's okay. I'd rather have a stalker. Rather than sitting in the line at a soup kitchen.

I hear that. What do you think about this Jon Gosselin guy?

Ugh. But that's about the new celebrity. What about Octomom?

I saw that. Apparently his spiritual advisor advised him against doing a show with Octomom.

His spiritual advisor, eh? (laughing)

That's what it says. I don't know. Maybe it was Mr. Morgan's niece.

God Almighty. They're all whacked. The best of these people have life coaches. I love that someone is saying, “No, you should call your mother.”

(laughing) You've never had a life coach or anybody like that have you?

No. I know this really crazy heiress at one of the great fortunes is out here. She has a life coach and you're thinking, “Too little. Too late.”

No names?

No. I don't think so.

You know I saw on one clip of How'd You Get So Rich, you interviewed some cat who made all of his money selling sex toys on the Internet.

Isn’t that great?

Yeah, the bullet vibrator was his bestselling item. What's your bestselling item on the QVC?

At QVC, my bestselling item – we're doing an infomercial now – it's a hand product called “Great Hair Day” that actually takes the shine off of people with thinning hair. It takes the shine off the scalp and makes it look much thicker.

Is that a new item of yours?

It's an old item on QVC for about a year, but we're doing an infomercial that starts November 1st. It's unbelievable.

Any other miracle products you want to plug?

That's a great one, and then all my jewelry. Someone just bought me, my stylist, bought me a $900 necklace from Neiman Marcus and we had the same thing in the Joan Rivers Collection for $59.00.

That's fantastic. I read somewhere that you had been everywhere but South Dakota, but you're scheduled to play Sioux Falls now, right?

Yeah. That’s coming up. I'm very excited.

Have you ever even been there?

No, first time and I'm really thrilled. This coming week. I'm very excited.

When was the last time you were in Miami?

Working, probably two years ago. I did a thing for charity, a book event last year. I know I did a lecture on survival at a women's club. But, I think performing probably about two years.

You like Miami, don't you?

I love Miami. I think the energy is amazing. We were down there with How'd You Get So Rich?, we went to the Versace Mansion. It's so much fun.

Do you have a favorite place down here?

No. I don't have time. I go to a great hotel. I go and I do my show and I go to sleep and walk the next morning.

This time you're going to play the Arsht, which is a relatively new venue. You're doing Can We Talk?

Well, I'm doing what we call the concert, whatever that means.

So, is it going to be a lot of the spur of the moment stuff? Whatever is happening that day?

A lot of spur of the moment, a lot of improv but a lot of good solid stuff. Anyone that pays money to come and see me, I always believe they deserve a good show. No one goes away unhappy.

You know what's amazing, everyone I know, from a 21-year old Indie kid to my mom are all super super excited that you're coming to town.

Good! Tell them all to come!

Joan Rivers appears November 11, 8pm at the Adrienne Arsht Center’s Knight Concert Hall Tickets are $34.50-$69.50

http://www.arshtcenter.org/tickets/calendar/view.aspx?id=6572