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1. Drink Heavily Beforehand: Everybody is more charming after nine or 10 cocktails, and nobody forgets that drunk relative that reeks of stale beer and poor life choices. (Plus, most functions that require a toast have an open bar.)

2. Mock the Least Popular Guest at the Party: Everyone has that co-worker or family friend that they’re forced to invite for one reason or another. So why not make that person feel even more unwanted by opening with, “I’ll make this toast brief so we can all go back to wondering who actually invited Suzie from accounts receivable.”

3. Share a Delightful Story: “Remember that night you got drunk off cough syrup, did some meth and pleasured two Toronto Raptors players behind the dumpster of that sushi restaurant? Well, who would have thought that tonight you’d be marrying the guy who held your hair back afterwards!”

4. Avoid Racial Slurs: We’re not in Kentucky here. Nobody wants to be the redneck guest that everyone has to apologize for afterward.

5. Try Using Rap Lyrics: Everything that could possibly be said has already been expressed by any of the Rhodes Scholars of the hip-hop world. Sometimes “Slob on My Knob” by Three 6 Mafia just sounds better at romantic gatherings like weddings or 75th anniversary parties.

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